Can't take credit for this one folks...I found it on the Rampant Scotland site. Dead funny though!
A Scottish Fruit Cake Recipe...
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda 1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
1 gallon malt whisky
Sample the whisky to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again to be sure it is of the utmost quality.
Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whisky is still OK. Cry another tup. Turn off mixer.
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something.
Who cares? Check the whisky.
Now, sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whisky again.
Go to bed. Who likes fruitcake anyway.
granniebelle (with thanks to Scottie @ rampantscotland)